“Living With a Passive Agressive Man” states that dealing with a passive-aggressive person as a partner can drive even the most even tempered, rational, and reasonable person to huge levels of uncontrolled rage. P-As are masters at deliberately goading public. Surrounded by my marriage, I was unable to obtain the desired level of intimacy due to my partner’s resistance. My needs weren’t met and yet I continued to try to find a way to meet my partner’s needs despite years of frustration and a lack of progress. My ex-husband controlled the dynamics of our marriage with his passive-aggressive behavior. Directly asking for what I wanted was a guarantee it would never happen. A lot was demanded of me but very small was willingly given back–not because he couldn’t, I realized at the very end, but because he wouldn’t. I’m generally not easily angered, but his behavior could drive me to uncontrolled rage–and then he’d calmly inform me I should seek counseling. Any conversation I tried to initiate about improving our relationship quickly turned to a list of his complaints about what was ill-treat with me. Finally I gave up any hope of improvement due to his extreme resistence. This book made me realize that I had a very typical relationship with a very passive-aggressive man, but the marital interchange was completely abnormal.

There are eleven hallmarks that identify the Passive-Aggressive personality disorder.

1. Dread of Dependency
2. Dread of Intimacy
3. Dread of Competition
4. Obstructionism
5. Fostering Chaos
6. Feeling Victimized
7. Making Excuses and Lying
8. Procrastination
9. Chronic lateness & Forgetfulness
10. Ambiguity
11. Sulking

My ex-husband regularly showed every release one.

There is no way to please these public. Although the implication is always that your inadequacies are the reason for their discontent, their problem is so complicated and ingrained it is virtually impossible to eradicate. Nothing anyone provides for them is ever enough to cool their fears, self doubt, and boost their low self esteem. The ‘cure’ is a constantly moving target, partially because they often question for the opposite of what they really want, if they bother to question at all. Usually it’s a guessing game: they let you know they’re displeased in a covert and passive way, but you have to try to figure out why. They will deny their rage if directly confronted. Nothing anyone does for them is ever excellent enough. It is nearly universal surrounded by a marriage to a passive-aggressive person for them to continually withhold sex. That and deliberate action, or inaction, that denies pleasure to their partner when they do engage in intercourse is their ultimate expression of hostility and control.

Does any of this sound traditional? If so, this is the book to read to help restore some of your sanity. For years I refered to my then husband as ‘Passive Agressive’ lacking really understanding the disorder. The basis of all this dysfunctional and self-destructive behavior is rage.

Fascinatingly, what drives the P-A’s rage is low self esteem and extreme dependency. Passive-aggressive public try to mask this by continually rejecting the very person they are dependent upon. They attempt to deny their feelings of insecurity and worthlessness by attacking in scheming ways that make the oppose of this type of aggression feel confused, helpless, and demeaned. Typically, Passive-Aggressive public tend to choose one of three types of partners: Controllers, Nurturers, or Rescuers. Or someone that has a combination of those
characteristics. Hence, P-As are continually rejecting their partners for the very qualities that attracted them in the first house. They undermine the public they so desperately need in an attempt to prove to themselves they don’t need them. It is a personality disorder that is highly resistant to change even with intense therapy and motivation on the part of the patient. P-As are completely convinced there is nothing ill-treat with them or their behavior; it is everyone else.

A complete loss of confidence and self esteem that living with such a person induces in the awkward person who married them is not uncommon, either. Because, of course, everything is always someone else’s fault, not theirs. It is usually the partner, significant additional, etc. of these public who end up in therapy because dealing with P-As is so hard since they are constantly manipulating the environment to make themselves the victim and the person with whom they’re interacting the terrible guy. It is a very hard disorder for public who are straightforward and psychologically sound to deal with or recognize. The tendency is, since you are life held responsible by the additional person for problems in the relationship, to…

Read more

Help additional customers find the most helpful reviews 

Was this review helpful to you? 

|

 Comments (18)

By 

Groovy Vegan (USA) –

  

  

“Living With The Passive Aggressive Man” is a significantly flawed book, but one that has helped me tremendously in my post-breakup healing process with a passive-aggressive (PA) man. The book’s greatest strength is describing what the PA man is like. I had many “aha” moments as clinical psychologist Scott Wetzler described the multitude of mind games PA public play including excuse making, obstructionism, and an ancient favorite: the PA person intentionally pushes your buttons, but if you get mad, they claim you’re the one with a problem. This last example is of projected rage, which Wetzler clarifies quite well.

Wetzler’s discussions of arguments and apologies also ring right for me. He clarifies that a honest struggle is not in the repertoire of a PA partner. He’ll be sarcastic or sulk or bring up distracters, but will not tell you what’s bothering him. Furthermore, in many cases, they won’t apologize at all, or will quickly issue an insincere apologize to change the subject. Wetzler questions you to gauge whether your partner really changed their post-apology behavior. The section on parenting also was tremendously helpful. Wetzler states the largest parenting problem for the PA parent is difficulty disciplining their child, which was certainly right in my relationship.

Additional parts of the book did not ring right for me, although they certainly might for another reader. For example, he talked about the childhood experiences typical to PA public that helped make them that way, but my partner had generally clear things to say about his childhood. An alternative explanation could be that some public may consider themselves “too spiritual” to get mad, so they vent their rage passive-aggressively. Wetzler discussed “Who falls for the passive-aggressive man?” but this section did not help me at all, as I did not identify with his similes of “victim”, “rescuer” or “manager.” An alternate possibility is that many PA public present themselves as cool, likeable public, but after you fall in like with them, they slide into PA behavior rather insidiously.

My largest problem with the book is the premise suggested by the title, “Living With The Passive Aggressive Man.” The PA person often has a significant personality problem and is emotionally abusing you with his mind games, yet the concept of getting him or both of you into counseling is not even mentioned until the epilogue. This strikes me as odd, considering Wetzler is a clinical psychologist. Instead, much of the book is dedicated to teaching you, the non-PA partner, how to jump through hoops and walk on eggshells, so you can live with these mind games and hopefully increasingly get your partner to change. Too much of this tip toeing is yielding to the PA partner’s needs at the expense of your needs, and possibly sanity. For example, give the guy all the space he wants sounds like fantastic advice, but what about women in relationships where the guy is nearly in body only watching TV, or avoids her for weeks at a time but has time for his buddies? Wetzler says, if he says something rude to you that angers you, YOU have to not get mad and prove to him that you’re on his side. In a nutshell, to make this work, you the reader are expected to do considerably more than your honest share of the relationship work and keep your cool while he irritates you to his heart’s content. Often times, that’s what women are already tiresome to do in relationships. Instead of all this “do it yourself” while you cater to his needs while yours go unmet, all this time having the patience of a saint, why not go into counseling? There’s a real danger that the woman attempting Wetzler’s approach lacking couple’s therapy would eventually explode due of frustration and exacerbate the problems. Wetzler says if you’re spending years (!) using his approach, but you find it to be ineffective, your only option might be to leave.

My additional problems with the book are:
1. The book is not backed up with research, as all information is derived from his patient’s experiences in his clinical practice.
2. About half of it did not ring right to me, but that of course would vary with different readers.

Bottom line – I highly recommend the book for the incredible insight into what PA behavior is, how it operates in a relationship, and how it makes you feel. But Wetzler’s approach to dealing with this is a long hard road, and likely not the best path.

Help additional customers find the most helpful reviews 

Was this review helpful to you? 

|

 Comments (5)

I am married to and have two children with a passive aggressive man. I have searched local bookstores for a book on the topic for 2 years. One night, in desperation, I searched Amazon for a book on the subject and thankfully, I found this book by Scott Wetzeler.

Scott Wetzler clearly outlines the personality of a passive aggressive and concise terms and offers comprehensive solutions in how to deal with this personality.

What I loved most about the book were the validating tales told by additional women that have veteran the, frustration, humiliation and emotional abuse, while involved with a “PA”. I read their words over and over over again in partial disbeleif, that my exact feelings and discription of the behavior, were staring back at me in black and white.

I urge anyone (male or female) who is in a relationship with someone who sulks, does not respond to a direct question or insists they are not mad even though their events tell you otherwise, to read this book. It will save your life, as it has mine.

Help additional customers find the most helpful reviews 

Was this review helpful to you? 

|

 Comment