Wow. I just finished conception this last night. I was entertained by some of it, and very much wanted to like it, but in the end — especially the end — I was extremely disappointed. Potential readers know this: If you are looking for anecdotes about stepmotherhood you’ll find plenty of them here… have a cuppa, have a laugh, know that there are others in your boat. But if you’re looking for wisdom and practical solutions, steer clear. It’s light and quick conception at best, and certainly does not provide sound or qualified advice. The predicaments in this book are pitiful and a small sad, and the only pledge continually expressed throughout is to lay down and take it — and, in effect, build resentment. If you’re the type of person who does that sort of thing and can really operate happily taking a back seat for the rest of your life, you will like this book. If you’re the type of person who believes ALL parties in these (often but not always) chaotic situations deserve respect and should compromise, then you’ll despise it. Guilt is a certain by-product of divorce when children are involved, but your guilt-ridden husband has just as huge a part to play in this scenario as you do, such as respecting you and life able to stand up to an ex-wife — who is often times a larger problem than the children themselves, and not necessarily because she’s a “psycho” (not all ex-wives are the devil). The simple point is, if you choose to settle for the back seat, a husband who unremittingly avoids conflict will happily leave you there. Finally, I can barely come up with the proper words to express how horrified I was at the advice in the final chapters to have “your own baby” so you not only are accepted by your husband’s family (which, by the way, includes you at the helm!), but so you have someone in this world who likes you unconditionally. ??! In an environment with or lacking stepchildren, I can’t reflect of a worse reason to bring a child into this world… I feel for any small life who is place under that sort of pressure while they’re still in the womb.

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Sally’s book is really excellent for public who are very willing to compromise much of their lives to accommodate their new partner and stepkids. But, for many women, some of her advice is a small creepy. One subject is: “His Kids Come First – Learning to Like Second House.” She provides an example of a misbehaving stepkid graceful the author, the author falling down, the author reprimand the kids, and then dad rushes to the kid’s aid, not to the mom who was tripped. Her point is that kids are dependents, so they will necessarily come “first.” But who wants to come 2nd? And why axiom it like that? At best, a stepmom needs to tie for first or she will always resent taking a perpetual backseat to the partner and his ex in all matters of scheduling, parenting, discipline, etc. The voices of many of these women profiled are really quite sad. The undertone to much of their commentary is that of feeling left out and not fulfilled.

The section on deciding to have your own kids is particularly frightening. At one point the author likens having one’s own biological children to truly finding a house in your partner’s “kingdom.” I reflect that speaks volumes that if you don’t lay out really healthful boundaries and high expectations for inclusion and respect, that you will be left feeling like you’re not really a part of the family. Who in the world should have to produce a child to start to get the acceptance, like and respect of ones partner and stepfamily? Creepy, creepy stuff in many sections of this book, but a very excellent read if you have doubts, as Sally may help you clarify if life in this kind of family structure is what will really work for you.

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A. Thomas “xanyat” (New York, NY United States) –

  

Although I’m not getting married, I’m very involved with my boyfriend and his five year ancient son. Recently, we started talking about moving in together and I started to panic. I’ve had a lot of experience with children, but the territory of co-parenting was new. I realized I had different thoughts of parenting and many insecurities about the overall “situation”. Questions, feelings, observations, things I had let go of were all issues now. Mad outbursts and frustrated remarks made our relationship go from blissful to sour. It finally came to the point where we both turned to each additional and said, “I’ve never done this before!” When I opened the book and started conception, it felt excellent that I wasn’t going crazy and that I wasn’t alone. I told him that I want him to read the book so he could see my perspective–and why it’s the ‘tiny’ things that are a huge deal. It also gives me insight to what he’s going through. Glad to find this gem.

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